Arsen: a broken love story - Asher Mia - Страница 63
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“Oh my God. Is this Cathy Stanwood calling? I thought you fell off the face of the earth, my dear.”
I chuckle at the sarcasm in her voice. “Yes. It’s me. I need to speak to you, and according to my navigation system we have about forty minutes to talk before I get home.” I take a deep breath. “I’m cheating on Ben...with Arsen.”
“I knew it. I just knew it. I told you…that boy looked like he wanted to fuck the shit out of you every time you both were in the same room. I knew it was a matter of time before you finally gave in. I tol—”
“Stop it, Amy. I didn’t call you so you could tell me what you knew or thought about Arsen. It’s irrelevant. I’m calling you because…because I think I’m going to leave Ben.” I tighten my hands around the steering wheel when I say the words that I never thought would be possible.
“Cathy, are you sure? Listen. I know you called me because I’ve been there. Twice. But listen to me, girl. Listen to me carefully. My first husband was a pig who slept with his best friend’s wife and I will never regret leaving him. It was the best decision I’ve ever made. But Matt was a sweet and really nice guy. I was just at the wrong place in my life when I thought marrying him would save me. So when I realized it wasn’t going anywhere, I cheated on him. I cheated and served him with the divorce papers. And let me tell you, he’s my biggest regret. I miss him everyday, and not a day goes by where I haven’t regretted the way I ended things with him. He didn’t deserve it.”
“I don’t think Ben deserves my cheating on him with Arsen, but it’s too late. It’s already done a-and I don’t think I can stop. Not now.” Swallowing hard, I choke with my next words, “Arsen makes me feel alive, Amy. He makes me feel again. When I’m with him, I feel total freedom…I feel like my heart—”
“Let me stop you right there, babe, and call your bullshit. I don’t think your heart has anything to do with it. Truth of the matter is that you like it when a gorgeous twenty-four year old guy fucks your brains out. And I can’t say that I blame you. I’ve been there, done that—fucked the energizer bunny. So, please…let’s be honest here. You want to leave Ben, an amazing guy who kisses the ground you walk on because you are bored with married life and you would prefer to beca—”
I grind my teeth before I interrupt her. “You know what? I thought you were going to be the last person who was going to judge me. I didn’t call you so you could tell me everything I’ve done is wrong. I knew that, I still do. I wanted someone to listen to me, and maybe offer me some advice, instead of just saying that I’m cheating on my husband because I’m bored.”
“So tell me, Cathy. Tell me why you’re cheating? And, what’s the purpose of calling me when it appears you’ve already made up your mind? Did you expect me to say, Shucks! Life got tough, so it’s okay to cheat? You know, I used to be very jealous of you. So much so that it took a lot of work to be in the same room watching the way Ben looked at you, with so much love pouring out of his eyes and not hate you a little. So yes. I’m pissed. I haven’t heard from you since the baby, and then out of the blue you call me telling me that you’re thinking about leaving your husband?” She pauses, “Honey, I don’t know what you’re expecting from me, but I think you’re making the biggest mistake of your life. There. I’ve said it. Is that what you wanted to hear?”
Shame makes heat run through my body. “You know what, Amy? You’re such a hypocrite. And you can go to hell. I-I know what I did is horrible—”
“Sucks to hear the truth, huh?”
“Ben doesn’t deserve it. Hell, I live with the man. I’m married to him. I know he’s the last person to ever deserve this kind of betrayal, but it happened and I haven’t been able to stop it. I can’t, do you hear me? I can’t. I don’t know why I called you. I’m sorry if my call pissed you off, but I never thought that you would judge me so harshly because you’ve been there. Sometimes these things just happen…” My voice breaks and I start crying.
Shit.
“Yes…but they are avoidable.”
“I can’t! I’m so sorry,” I sob.
After a few hesitant moments, Amy finally speaks. “Oh, honey. I’m sorry. I’m just so angry. And the way you dismissed it as if it were not important because it was already done...” She groans into the speaker, “Forget about it. Let me give you one piece of advice and that’s all I’ll say because each marriage is different and people cheat for so many different reasons. Some people cheat because they can, because they know they won’t get caught, because of boredom or lust, because it’s their way to reach out, show that they need help—to ask for help. Whatever your reasons, before you end your marriage, make sure you’re aware that there’s no going back. No time machine that will let you undo your mistakes if you and Arsen don’t work out. And chances are, babe, that it won’t work out. It never does. Who knows? Maybe someone new, younger and prettier girl with perkier breasts will come along and Arsen will leave you for her. He’s young, Cathy. What makes you think he’s serious and not just playing around? That you’re not just the flavor of the week? Or the month?”
“I don’t know,” I sniffle, “All I know is that I can’t keep doing this to Ben. And I can’t stop seeing Arsen. I need him. So the only choice left, the only solution really, is to leave Ben.”
“But what if—”
“And if things with Arsen don’t work out, well, at least Ben is free to find someone more deserving of him than me. I know it sounds like a pathetic excuse, but it’s true. I don’t deserve him anymore. At this point in my life, I want Arsen so much that I’m willing to throw everything away. Besides, I can’t keep lying to Ben...going to bed and let-letting him touch me after I’ve been with Arsen. It’s not fair. It’s not fair.”
Silent for a moment, I can almost picture Amy battling with herself. “Babe, do whatever you think is right. Just keep in mind that there’s no going back, love. That’s all. And if it backfires, you’ll be divorced and alone. Of course, I’ll be there for you, but…”
“I know. It won’t be the same.”
“Do you have feelings for the kid?”
“Yes, I do. Amy, I think I’m in love with him.”
“Girl! Oh my God. That is so not the answer I was expecting. I mean…are you sure it’s love and not lust mixed with like?
“I don’t know, Amy,” I sigh. “I think it’s love. It feels like love. It looks like love.”
“Just because it feels like love doesn’t mean it is. It could be infatuation, newness...but tell me, what about Ben? Do you not love him anymore? Don’t you care what this is going to do to him?”
“I care, I care a lot. That’s why I can’t keep doing this to him. I need to set him free, Amy. To let him go, even if in the process I break his heart…and mine. He’ll heal…we all do. I love him, but I’m not sure I’m in love with him anymore.”
And I do. I love Ben. So much. But he doesn’t make my heart flutter. He doesn’t fill me with butterflies. Being with Ben doesn’t give me that high anymore…No. All those feelings have been transferred to him. To Arsen. So I guess that’s the answer to my own question.
After I ask Amy how she’s doing, we say goodbye and hang up. The streets of Manhattan long gone, I drive the remaining tree lined distance to my house in silence. Pulling up into the driveway, I notice that Ben’s black Maybach is missing. Wondering if he’s working late, I take my phone out and check for any missed calls or text messages. I only have one from earlier in the day, asking me if I wanted to take a trip down into the city and meet him for lunch. A text message I obviously ignored since I was too busy texting and waiting for Arsen to show up.
After I park the car in the garage, I make my way to the foyer, turning the lights on as I walk through the hallways. Once I’m sure that Ben isn’t home, I stand under the large crystal chandelier hanging from the cathedral ceilings and consider my next move. I tap a finger on my chin, make up a quick excuse as to why he didn’t hear from me all day, and give him a call. His phone rings five or six times before it goes to voicemail.
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