Arsen: a broken love story - Asher Mia - Страница 62
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I look into her brilliant eyes and I lose it. I begin to beg like a fucking child.
“I don’t know. I don’t know. Just don’t go tonight. Stay with me…tell him that you’re spending the night at Amy’s. Don’t go back tonight.”
She shakes her head. “Are you even listening to me?” she protests, her voice rising. “No. You know that’s impossible. I can’t. I must go home. Ben is starting to suspect something is going on. I need to—”
“Leave and play the role of the fucking perfect wife, huh?” Anger replaces my need for her. I spit the words as if they are acid on my tongue.
“Yes,” she states simply.
“Let me ask you something. Do you play it at night too? When you leave my apartment after having been with me, do you go back to your perfect three million dollar home in the suburbs of Westchester and fuck your husband?”
I watch her blush as she lets go of my knees. Kneeling on the floor with only the sheet wrapped around her body, Catherine speaks. “That’s none of your business.”
“Are you fucking kidding me? Yes, it’s my business. You’re mine!” I shout, anger flowing through my veins, making me burn on the inside.
“No. I’m not. I’m Ben’s. I’m married to him. Not to you,” she speaks quietly to the floor.
“You know what? Fuck you!” My head is throbbing, and it feels like it’s ready to explode. Standing up, I try to get away from her as quickly as possible.
“No. No. No. Please, Arsen…don’t go,” she pleads desperately. I look down at her on the floor and see the pain expressed vividly on her face. Fuck. I can’t see her hurting like this and not do anything about it.
Sitting down on the floor, I pull her naked body next to mine. With her slight figure wrapped in my arms, the situation doesn’t seem as hopeless as it truly is. It doesn’t hurt as much either. When I feel like I can breathe once more, I listen to her speak as I rock us back and forth.
“Please, Arsen, don’t be upset. Let me think. Give me time to make sense of the mess I’ve made of everything. Please, understand that I can’t just up and leave Ben. I-I…he doesn’t deserve it. I need time to think, Arsen. I need time. Please don’t force my hand like that. Please, I beg you. I-I mean…does this even mean something to you? How do I know that you’re just not playing around?”
“What the fuck, Cathy? Does it feel like I’m playing around? Like I don’t give a shit? I’m at your constant beck and call!” I shout. After taking a deep breath and calming myself down, I continue, “Do you care for me? Do you care for me at all?”
The words are torn out of my chest.
Ripped from my soul.
“Yes. So much, Arsen. So much. B-But that doesn’t change one thing. Not one thing,” she repeats.
There are no tears shed, no blood spilled.
Nothing.
Just the truth between us. And it hurts. It hurts so fucking much because there’s nothing I can do to change it. Nothing I can do to make her not love her husband and love me instead. Nothing I can do to make her leave him and take me instead.
Nothing.
I’m bleeding out for her.
The afternoon glow has disappeared from the room, and in its place a cold darkness has settled around us. As I rock our bodies, not sure who’s trying to comfort whom, something strikes me as pretty damn hilarious. Not fifteen minutes ago, I felt like I was in fucking nirvana. Laughing, falling in love, not feeling like such a failure for the first time in my life because of her.
And now this.
Yes.
I’m bleeding out.
I told him.
I told him not to go there.
What am I supposed to do now?
I keep saying that I never thought this
was going to become what it has.
But it has.
You cannot expect to play with fire
and not get burned.
I did, and now I’m incinerated.
The thing is I wanted to be.
I still do.
Every action has a consequence. It doesn’t matter if you try to run or hide. It eventually it catches up to you. Call it karma if you must, but said karma can totally kick you in the ass.
I wish I could make myself believe that I had no idea what I was doing, or what I was getting myself into, but I did. I was well aware the moment we kissed, and I asked him to bring me back to his apartment that there was no going back. I made a choice that night, and continue to do so every time I meet with Arsen behind Ben’s back, and every time I lie to Ben. I am responsible for every deceitful word I have uttered, and every dishonest action I have committed.
I am.
And now I have to face the music. I have to make a choice once again. And it doesn’t matter what choice I make. Which path I choose to follow. Either way, I will break my own heart. I will lose a part of myself.
But I think I already have.
I love two men.
And this time, the monster that I am, the one I’ve become, will bring someone else down with me. It’s the darkness in me, I tell you…it follows me everywhere I go, spreading like spilled black ink on white paper.
I curl up in his arms; my head resting on his chest as I let the beat of his heart soothe me, filling me with bittersweet hope.
Can I really do it?
With the smell of sex around us, I look up and meet his fiery gaze and one thought becomes obvious; Arsen has to be in my life. I can’t let him go. I need him. I want him. He’s become a vital part of me. He’s the air I need to breathe.
And I think it’s time.
But can I?
I decide to take a shower before I head back home. Lifting my hand, I sniff the inside of my wrist. It’s smells like Arsen—a delicious mixture of cologne, sweat and the musky scent of sex. After a few minutes under the water, I give up any expectation that he’ll join me as he usually does. When I’m finished and dressed, I come out to an empty room. Arsen is nowhere to be seen. The bed still unmade with its silk sheets twisted to the left, looks bereft and cold.
With my Ferragamo slingbacks in one hand and my leather satchel in the other, I’m about to head to the kitchen in search of him, when an unsmiling Arsen walks into the room already showered and dressed. His wet blond hair is pulled back from his forehead, making his young face look harsh and older.
“Oh…you took a shower in the guest bathroom?” I ask clumsily. I don’t recognize the solemn man staring back at me.
“Yeah, I actually gotta jet. Alec called me while you were in the shower. He needs me to come over to his studio.”
“Oh. Okay. I guess I-I’ll call you.”
“Whatever you want. I’ll be around.” He shrugs his shoulder, his voice dismissive.
“Um…uh…about before,” I’m ready to tell him that I need a couple days to mull over my decision, but the flat look in his eyes freezes me on the spot.
“Dimples, forget I said anything. I thought about it while I was in the shower. It’s cool, this arrangement we have. I’m okay with it as long as you are.”
Flinching at the coldness in his voice, I watch him as he turns around and walks out of the room, leaving me all alone. Suddenly I feel very cold.
“Okay,” I whisper into the empty space.
As I’m driving back home, I decide I need to unload. I need to speak to someone about what feels like the biggest decision or mistake I’ll ever make in my entire life
Arsen. My chest tightens and my stomach feels funny just thinking about him. Something doesn’t sit well when I think of the way he looked at me before he left. I shake my head, dismissing the thought, and decide to call Amy. She’s the most open-minded person I know. And she’s been through it all. If anyone can listen to me without judging or playing devil’s advocate, it will be her. Pressing the hands free button, I say her name and wait for the system to connect the call.
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