Flat-Out Love - Park Jessica - Страница 63
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“Erin…”
“You don’t need to hear the details of the accident. Suffice it to say that it was gruesome. I’ll be haunted forever by what I saw that day.” Erin touched a hand to her cheek and closed her eyes. “It was incredibly icy. There had been accidents all over the city. The police considered my crash a result of the weather. Plain and simple. Which was true, to a degree, but my having gone off the medication was the real reason that I lost control of the car. Roger arranged for me to get in-patient help. Matthew didn’t know at the time that the accident was a result of my having stupidly stopped taking my meds. We told him later. He didn’t tell you because he didn’t want you to think less of me. Maybe there would have been an accident even if I’d been clear-headed that day. But Finn wouldn’t have been in the back seat without a seatbelt on, and he wouldn’t have died. The hard truth is that I killed my son, Julie. That’s why I have avoided my family since that day. I don’t deserve to be a mother. I cannot be responsible for Matthew and Celeste after what I’ve done. I don’t know how.”
Julie put her hand on Erin’s back. “You are still their mother. You will always be.”
Erin nodded vigorously and opened her eyes. “Eventually I will see that. I’m going to get there. I need to get some help, though. Having these amazing blinders on for so long has made it possible to keep going. Flat Finn let me pretend. From now on, I need to do better. I will do better. We all have to find a way to get through this.”
Everything that Julie could think to say felt beyond inadequate. She wrapped her arms around Erin and held her while she cried.
Chapter 31
It was late August. Julie opened another packet of sugar and poured it into her coffee. Cafe Paradiso was quiet today, which was nice because it meant she’d be able to hear everything Celeste had to say without distraction.
Just as she had promised, she’d been meeting Celeste here every Monday afternoon since Julie had moved out of the Watkins’ house. Sometimes Celeste walked here alone, and sometimes Roger or Erin came with her. Never Matt, though. Julie hadn’t responded to any of Matt’s emails, except once when she asked him to please never to be the person who came with Celeste. She wasn’t ready to see him. Maybe one day, maybe never. It had been three months since Julie had said goodbye to him on that bench by the river. He had stopped writing her last month.
Dana had been pushing her all summer to talk about Matt, but she just couldn’t. The last time Dana tried, Julie had nearly dumped a bowl of cereal on her head. After that, her roommate had the good sense not to bring him up.
The summer had been nice. Quiet, uneventful, and perhaps a little boring. Precisely what she had needed. Julie had been doing an internship at a small publishing house in Cambridge, a position which she figured would look good on her resume. And it had kept her distracted. Kate had come to visit for a long weekend in July, but Julie was surprisingly less homesick than she would have imagined.
“There she is!”
Julie looked up, just as Celeste threw her arms around her neck in a hug. “Hey, kiddo! How was the Cape? I missed you last week.”
Celeste flopped into a chair and tossed her hair back. She had a light tan, and her hair had lightened even more in the summer sun. She was radiant.
“Hi, Julie.” Roger leaned in and gave Julie a kiss on the cheek. “Nice to see you.”
“You, too.”
“Celeste has been dying to get together and tell you about her triumphant fishing expedition.”
Celeste beamed. “We all went deep-sea fishing, and I caught a sizeable bluefish. Even the captain was impressed. The beast put up a tireless fight, and Matt had to take over for me a few times. In the end, I successfully reeled in the cliched catch of the day. I’ll show you pictures next time.”
“She really was amazing,” Roger said proudly. “The captain filleted the fish for us, and Erin cooked it for dinner.”
“Erin cooked?” Julie asked, shocked.
Roger laughed. “Amazing, isn’t it? My wife has become obsessed with cooking, and not a take-out carton has been seen in the past three weeks.”
“I’m speechless.”
“You’ll have to come for dinner one night. I can’t guarantee that the meal will be entirely edible, but it will be homemade.”
Julie nodded politely. She hadn’t been back to the house since she had left.
“I’m going to be in a recital in two weeks. Would you come? Rachel is playing the trumpet, and I’ll be playing the piano. As you can tell, it’s an unusual sort of duet, and Rachel is not particularly gifted when it comes to any musical instrument.” Celeste paused. “Most notably the trumpet. She makes up for lack of talent by a frequent use of exaggerated facial expressions when blowing into the mouthpiece.”
“Of course I’ll come to the recital,” Julie said. “I’m glad performing arts camp has been such a success.”
“Attending has compensated for having to be present at weekly individual and family therapy sessions. I find those challenging and draining.”
“I would think so.”
“As much as I loathe the experience, you can guess how Matty feels about therapy.” Celeste grinned.
Julie laughed. She knew exactly how much Matt must hate going.
“Didn’t you have something else to ask Julie?” Roger tousled Celeste’s hair.
“I do. Julie, this is serious.” Celeste reached into the small purse she had over her shoulder and pulled out an envelope that she set on the table. “This is an invitation. I’m having a going-away party for Flat Finn.”
Julie was stunned. She took the envelope from Celeste and opened it. The details of the party had been printed on expensive stock, with a small ribbon tied at the top of the card. “Really?”
“Yes. I was inspired by the party that your mother threw for you when you left home, and this party is in the same spirit. Except that I want a brunch. Finn loved bagels and lox. The only guests will be you, Mom, Dad, and Matty. It’s a private party, for obvious reasons. It won’t be sad, though. The plan is for the day to be a celebration. Flat Finn served a much needed purpose, and it’s important to show our gratitude.”
“Where will Flat Finn go?” Julie had visions of Flat Finn being burned to ashes over the grill, or hacked to bits with a carving knife. That would be dreadful. She had a fondness for the cutout brother, however dysfunctional and immobilizing he may have been.
“He’s just going up to the attic.” She shrugged. “Just in case. And maybe a time will come when I will find the entire Flat Finn experience amusing. I might want to show him to my grandchildren one day. Back when I was a highly disturbed child… You know. It might be entertaining.”
“Yes, it might.”
“So you’ll come, right?”
Julie couldn’t say no. “Absolutely. There is no way I would miss this.” She could face Matt for one day.
“Excellent. So next Saturday at eleven, we will celebrate. Please note that it’s casual attire. Flat Finn wouldn’t want anyone in ball gowns or tuxedos.”
“Understood.”
Roger snapped his fingers. “Damn. And I was hoping to wear my lime-green suit and matching tie that day.”
Celeste groaned. “Mom would never allow that. She has impeccable taste. I’m going to go get us some drinks. Back momentarily.” She headed to the counter to order.
Julie looked at Roger. “I cannot believe that is the same girl I met almost a year ago. She seems incredibly happy.”
“She is. She’s doing well. There are hard days, still, but she has surprised us all.”
Julie leaned forward. “Truthfully, I’m glad she hasn’t lost all her Celeste-ness. I like her unique personality.”
“I do, too.” Roger fiddled with a sugar packet. “How are you, kid? You seem… subdued.”
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