Flat-Out Love - Park Jessica - Страница 62
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“She went to the site of the accident. She must have.”
They sped down Memorial Drive. It was beautiful out today, with comfortable temperatures, blues skies, and a wonderful breeze. The irony of them all feeling so dreadful was undeniable.
Suddenly, Matt pulled the car over the curb and hit the brakes. “There she is.”
They both got out and raced toward her. Celeste sat on a wooden bench, looking out at the sparkling water. Matt and Julie crossed a grassy area, walking between students reading on blankets and bikers taking a break, and sat down on either side of Celeste.
“It’s a lovely day for boating, isn’t it?” Celeste finally asked. She put her hand in Matt’s, but continued staring at the river. “I’ve always thought it would be such fun to go for a ride down this river in a boat.”
“We could go sometime. They rent canoes here, you know?” Julie kicked her feet back and forth. “I would love to do that with you.”
They sat silently for a few minutes, watching the boats go by.
Finally, Celeste turned and looked at Julie. Her eyes were red and puffy, but her voice was clear. “I’m not crazy, you know.”
Julie nodded. “I know that.”
“I am aware that Finn is dead. Despite my seemingly unbreakable association with Flat Finn, I have always known that. I’m not delusional.”
“I understand.”
“I loved Finn so much. You would have really liked him, Julie. He was magical, wasn’t he, Matty?”
“He was,” Matt agreed. “Finn was someone special.”
Celeste leaned her head on his shoulder. “You’re magical, too. I love you, Matthew. I know that you think I liked Finn better than you. That’s not true. You are just a much of part of me as Finn is. I utterly worship you both. Always and forever. If you had died, there would have been a Flat Matt. I would have laughed endlessly at the silly rhyme.”
Matt dropped his head back and looked into the blue sky. “Sweetie, don’t… just don’t.”
“I’m terribly sorry, Julie,” Celeste continued. “I chose to create Flat Finn, and I chose to believe that Finn was traveling. This is my responsibility. I have an overly powerful imagination, and I made everyone abide by my fantasies. We didn’t mean to trick you.”
“You don’t have to apologize for anything,” Julie said.
“You’re leaving tomorrow. I won’t see you anymore.”
“I think I’ll leave tonight, actually. It seems best.” She could feel Matt staring at her. “But you’ll see me all the time. You and I will meet once a week in Harvard Square. Promise.”
“And Matt. Matt could come too,” Celeste suggested.
“We’ll see,” Julie said.
“Please don’t be angry with him. It’s because of me that Matt did what he did. He is totally enamored with you, Julie. Captivated. I see it in his eyes. Even though he looks tremendously demoralized today, I can still see it in his eyes. If you’re not totally disgruntled with me, you can’t be with him either. That’s not fair.”
“I’m not disgruntled.” Julie refused to look toward Matt. It was too confusing. Her emotions were exceptionally raw, and she could hardly tolerate being around him. It was only for Celeste’s sake that she was with him right now.
“I am asking you not to dismiss something with this sort of intensity. It’s rare.”
Julie had to stop her. “I can’t hear this right now. I’m sorry. Not now.”
“You have to leave her alone, Celeste. She’s had enough.” Matt put his arm around Celeste’s shoulder. “Are you OK? We were worried about you.”
She tried to smile. “I will be. Will you stay here with me, Matty? Just for a while? I feel close to Finn here.”
“If that’s what you want, sure.”
She snuggled into her brother’s arm. “Tell me again about the time you camped out in the back yard, and how the fabric caught fire when Finn decided to roast marshmallows inside the tent.”
Julie stood up. She reached down and took the car keys out of Matt’s hand. He looked up at her. It was impossibly brave of him to sit here with Celeste, on a bench right next to where their brother’s life had been violently and unforgivably taken away. She couldn’t stand the sadness in Matt’s eyes, and so she focused on the keys now in her hand. “I’ll take the car home and call Erin and Roger.”
“Julie.” The crack in his voice gutted her. “Thank you. For everything.”
“Matt…” Unable to say goodbye, she turned and ran to the car, telling herself that her eyes were stinging from the sharp wind that came off the river.
**********
There was just enough tape left to seal the last cardboard box. Dana and Jamie would be here in a half-hour to help her move. There really wasn’t much to load into his Jeep, so at least this should go quickly.
There was a knock on the door, and Erin stepped into the room. “You look like you’re just about set. Can I do anything to help?’
Julie shook her head. “No. I think that’s everything.”
Erin sat down on the bed and took a deep breath. “You’ve been crying.”
Julie nodded.
“I had a long talk with Roger and Matthew this afternoon. Thank you for finding Celeste today. We were in quite a panic, as you can imagine.”
“I’m just glad she’s all right. That’s all that matters.”
“Physically, she’s safe. But she’s not all right. None of us are. Julie, I’d like to tell you a few things, if you don’t mind.” Erin clasped her hands together. “Matthew told me that you know about Finn. About the accident.”
“Yes. I’m so sorry.” Julie sat down next to Erin. “I’m not sure what to say. I can’t begin to understand how hard this has been.”
“There are some things about the accident that you don’t know, and that might help you begin to comprehend why I never stopped this whole Finn charade.”
“Erin, you don’t owe me an explanation for anything. Really.”
“I want you to hear this. It might take the edge off what you’re going through.” Erin rubbed her hands over her knees, pausing before she began. “The accident was entirely my fault. I never should have been driving that day. I killed Finn. I am solely responsible for my son’s death.”
“It was an accident. Nobody blames you.”
“It was an accident, yes, but there’s more to it. I doubt Matthew told you this piece of the story, because he wanted to protect me. I gather you know that I have a history of severe depression? It’s all right. There have been enough secrets. Depression is nothing to be ashamed of. I know that, but I’m still working on it. I had been doing well on the medication I’d been taking. I was functioning, happy even. Then I did what many people do. I went off them. I was content, enjoying life, and felt so strongly that I didn’t need them anymore. I would be fine. Well, I couldn’t. Nobody with my sort of depression could. I spiraled downward so quickly. It must have been terrifying for my family. Roger couldn’t convince me to start taking them again. I know that sounds strange, but in as depressive a state as I was in, I just could not see things rationally. I refused. I was hopeless and tired of fighting my despair.
“That day in February, I was completely out of touch with reality. Detached and dissociated, really. I got into the car with the vague thought that a drive might give me a sense of escape. I don’t remember this happening, but apparently Finn heard me start the car. He raced after me and jumped into the back seat. I drove by the river. Now I can hear hints of his voice, what he was saying to me, how he was trying to get me to pull over. But that day, as I drove, I had no awareness that Finn was with me, Julie. Can you believe that? I was so out of it that I forgot my own son was with me. I couldn’t see him, or understand what he was saying to me. Nothing. My depressive fog blocked out everything except the concept of relief, even temporary. It was easy just to let the cloudy feeling take over for a while. Driving around aimlessly and letting my depression be in charge felt like it would help. I should never have been behind the wheel that day. The car hit a patch of black ice, spun full circle, and smashed into a tree. ”
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