Fancies and Goodnights - Collier John - Страница 50
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Here the dentist made a big mistake. The young man was perfectly sane, and knew very well what he was about. It happened that he had spent all his money, in some years of the vilest dissipation, but he had a very far-reaching and water-tight plan for getting some more. His views on the subject of teeth were directly opposite to the common attitude towards insurance. He held it is better not to have them, and to need them, than to have them but to find no sort of use for them.
He accordingly returned to the dentist on the appointed day, and was equipped with his artificial grinders, which he sucked at and gnashed in the most ordinary fashion. He paid for them with almost his last dollar, went out, and got into his racy-looking roadster, and drove out of town as if pursued by the finance company, as he certainly would have been had they caught sight of him.
He drove till nightfall, and resumed his journey next day. Late in the afternoon he arrived in that part of the country where old and miserly uncles live in remote, dilapidated farmhouses. Our young man was more or less fortunate in possessing one of the oldest and richest of these uncles, whose house was the remotest and most dilapidated of all.
Arriving at this secluded dwelling, our hero drew up before a porch upon which no money had been squandered for years. «So much the more in the old sock,» reflected the nephew, as he knocked upon the door.
He was a little disconcerted to hear the tap of high heels within, instead of the shuffle of a deaf and surly retainer, and his jaw dropped when the door was opened by a plump and squarish blonde, a baby of some thirty-odd years and about a hundred and fifty pounds. Her mouth was as wide and as red as a slice of watermelon; she had well-darkened lashes and brows, and an abundance of phony gold hair flowing girlishly down over her shoulder. Our friend was to some extent reassured when he realized that she was dressed in what might be called a nurse's uniform, but the extreme shortness of the skirt and the fact that her garters were bright scarlet, and adorned with enormous bows, caused him to wonder if his dear uncle was getting the very best of professional care.
Nevertheless it is important to get on the right side of the nurse, especially when she stands solidly in the doorway. Our hero removed his hat, and put on so soapy a smile that his false teeth nearly dropped out of his head. «I have driven all the way from the big city,» said he, «to see my poor, dear, bed-ridden old uncle — God bless him! I did not expect to see so charming a nurse.»
The nurse, not budging an inch, responded with a surly and suspicious stare.
«I fear he must be sinking,» continued the nephew. «In fact, I had an intuition, a sort of telephonic S.O.S., telling me to hasten out here before it was too late. Let me rush to his bedside.»
The nurse still hesitated, but at that moment a peculiar sound, resembling the croaking of giant bull-frogs, arose in the dim depths of the house. This was the good old uncle himself, vociferating toothlessly for an immediate sight of his nephew, whose expressions of affection and concern had been audible in every corner of the dwelling. The old boy knew very well that his young relative was after his money, and he was eager for the pleasure of turning him down.
The nurse somewhat grudgingly stepped aside. Our hero, with a well-rehearsed whinny of delight, scuttled into the bedroom.
Nothing is more affecting than the greetings of near relatives after a long separation, especially when they are as fond of each other as these two. «My dear Uncle!» cried the nephew. «What a pleasure it is to see you again! But why does your hand tremble so? Why are your eyes so sunken? Why are you so thin and pale?»
«If it comes to that,» said his uncle, «you are not too stout and rosy yourself. Yes, you are very worn and emaciated, my boy. Your hair is thin and grey; you have lines, bags, and creases all over your face. If it were not for your handsome white teeth, I believe you would look every bit as old as I do.»
«That,» said the nephew, «is the effect of ceaseless toil and moil. It is a hard struggle, Uncle, to make good in these days, especially without any capital.»
«So you are making good?» said the old man. «Do you not drink any more?»
«No, Uncle, I never drink now,» replied the nephew.
«Well, that's tough,» said his uncle, producing a giant flask from under his pillow. «In that case I can't ask you to join me.» With that, he took a mighty swig, and, wiping his lips, he continued, «I have, thank heaven, a good doctor. A typical tough, bluff, hard-hitting, straight-shooting country sawbones of the old school. We call him the horse 'n' buggy doc. He recommends me this as medicine.»
«Perhaps that is why your hand trembles so,» said his nephew.
«Your own is none too steady,» rejoined his uncle. «Evidently you work too hard. Tell me, Nephew, do you ever take a little flutter with the cards?»
«Good heavens, no!» cried the nephew. «I cured myself of that folly long ago.»
«I am sorry to hear it,» replied his uncle. «We might have played a little cut-throat. The old horse 'n' buggy doc says the excitement keeps me lively. We often play together till after midnight.»
«That is why your eyes are sunken so deep,» said the nephew.
«I think yours are equally hollow,» replied the old man. «You should take a little rest now and then. I suppose, my dear Nephew, you still have an occasional frolic with the girls.»
«Girls!» cried the nephew, lifting up his hands. «What an odious suggestion! It is years since I have even looked at a girl.»
«Well, that's too bad,» said his uncle. «The old horse 'n' buggy doc has up-to-date views. It was he who sent me Birdie. »And, turning to the nurse, who happened to be arranging his pillows, he gave her a certain sort of caress, such as is mentioned nowhere in the pharmacopoeia.
«No wonder!» cried his nephew, when the nurse had gone bridling and smirking from the room. «No wonder, my poor Uncle, that you are so extremely thin and pale!»
«You are equally so,» replied his uncle, «and you are only half my age.»
«Well,» said the nephew, trying a new tack, «perhaps your doctor is right. Perhaps I had better take your treatment.»
«I heartily advise it,» said the old man.
«The only thing is,» said the nephew, «that I can hardly work at the same time. I suppose you would not care to give me a little money, so that I can enjoy the benefits of the system.»
«Well, no,» said his uncle. «I would not. Definitely not.»
«I thought as much,» said his nephew. «I fear I shall have to keep on toiling. How upset your good horse 'n' buggy doc would be! Tell me one thing, however; indulge my curiosity in one trifling respect. Is there any hope I shall come into your money? Have you arranged it in your will?»
«Oh, come!» said his uncle. «Why bother your head with matters of that sort?»
«Do tell me,» pressed the nephew. «You have no idea how interested I am.»
«Well, if you really want to know,» said his uncle, «I have left it all to the old horse 'n' buggy doc, a true, downright, straight-living, hard-faced, crusty, soft-hearted country croaker of the old school, and you cannot imagine how agreeable his treatment is to me.»
«Is that really so?» said the nephew. «I must say I expected something of the sort. Fortunately I have made my plans against just such a contingency. Allow me, my dear Uncle.»
With that he twitched a pillow from under the old man's head, and pressed it over his face. The old uncle gave a petulant kick or two, but what with one thing and another there was very little life left in him, and soon that little was gone.
The nephew, with a wary glance at the door, quickly divested himself of his clothing, which he stowed under the bed. Next, possibly feeling a little chilly, he took the liberty of borrowing his uncle's nightshirt. Then, stowing his uncle's shrunken body under the bed also, he climbed into his place between the sheets. Finally he expectorated his false teeth into a clean pocket handkerchief, which he had brought especially for the purpose, and leaned back upon the pillows, the very spit and image of the old man.
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