Black Notice - Cornwell Patricia - Страница 29
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"Sinclair, we all have our ways of coping."
"Let me answer my own question for you;" he went on. "Ten days. And not a very happy environment to return to, I might add. Tragedy, death."
I didn't say anything as I fought for composure. I had been in a dark cave and scarcely remembered scattering Benton's ashes out to sea in Hilton Head, the place he loved most. I scarcely remembered clearing out his condo there, then attacking his drawers and closets at my house. At a maniacal speed, I removed everything right then that would have had to go eventually.
Had it not been for Dr. Anna Zenner, I couldn't have survived. She was an older woman, a psychiatrist who had been my friend for years. I had no idea what she did with Benton's fine suits and ties and polished leather shoes and colognes. I didn't want to know what happened to his BMW Most of all, I couldn't bear to know what had been done with the linens that had been in our bathroom and on our bed.
Anna had been wise enough to keep all belongings that mattered. She didn't touch his books or jewelry. She left his certificates and commendations hanging on the walls of his study, where nobody would see them, because he was so modest. She wouldn't let me remove the photographs arranged everywhere because she said it was important for me to live with them.
"You must live with the memory," she told me repeatedly in her heavy German accent. "It is still present, Kay. You cannot run away from it. Don't try."
"On a scale of ten, how depressed are you, Kay?" Dr. Wagner's voice sounded somewhere in the background.
I was still hurt and unable to accept that Lucy had never shown up once during all of this. Benton left me his condo in his will, and Lucy was furious with me for selling it, although she knew as well as I did that neither of us could ever pass through its rooms again. When I tried to give her his much-loved, scarred, scuffed bomber jacket he had worn in college, she said she didn't want it, that she would give it to someone else. I knew she never did. I knew she hid it somewhere.
"There's no shame in admitting it. I think it's hard for you to admit you're human," Dr. Wagner's voice surfaced.
My eyes cleared.
"Have you thought of going on an antidepressant?" Dr. Wagner asked me. "Something mild like Wellbutrin."
I paused before I said anything.
"In the first place, Sinclair," I said, "situational depression is normal. I don't need a pill to magically take away -my grief. I may be stoical. I may find it difficult to show my emotions around others, to show my deepest feelings, and yes, it's easier.for me to fight and get angry and overachieve than to feel pain. But I'm not wrapped tight in denial. I've got sense enough to know that grief has to run its course. And this isn't easy when those you trust begin to chip away at what little you have left in your life."
"You just switched from first person to second person," he pointed out. "I'm just wondering if you're aware..:' "Don't dissect me, Sinclair."
"Kay, let me paint for you the portrait of tragedy, of violence, that those untouched by it never see," he said. "It has a life of its own. It continues its rampage, although with more stealth and with less visible wounds as time moves on."
"I see the portrait of tragedy every day," I said.
"What about when you look in the mirror?" he asked.
"Sinclair, it's terrible enough to suffer loss, but to compound that with everyone looking askance at you and doubting your abilities to function anymore is to be kicked and degraded while you're supposedly down."
He held my gaze. I had just switched to second person again, to that safer place, and I saw it in his eyes.
"Cruelty thrives on what it perceives as weakness," I went on.
I knew what evil was. I could smell it and recognize its features when it was in my midst.
"Someone seized what happened to me as the longawaited-for opportunity to destroy me," I concluded.
"And you don't think this is perhaps a little paranoid?" he finally spoke.
"No:' "Why would someone do that, besides being petty and jealous?" he inquired.
"Power. To steal my fire."
"An interesting analogy," he said. "Tell me what you mean by that."
"I use my power for good," I explained. "And whoever is trying to hurt me wants to appropriate my power for his own selfish use, and you don't want power in the hands of people like that."
"I agree;" he thoughtfully said.
His phone buzzed. He got up and answered it.
"Not now," he said over the line. "I know. He's just going to have to wait"
He returned to his chair and blew out a long breath, took his glasses off and set them on the coffee table.
"I think the best thing to do is send out a press release informing people that someone is impersonating you on the Internet, to do what we can to clear this up as much as possible," he said. "We'll put an end to it, even if it requires a court order."
"That would make me very happy," I said.
He got up and I did, too.
' "Thank you, Sinclair. Thank God I have a shield like you:' "We'll just hope the new secretary will be the same," he remarked as if I knew what he was talking about.
"What new secretary?" I asked as anxiety hummed again, this time more loudly.
A strange expression passed over his face. Then he looked angry.
"I've sent you several memos marked private and confidential. Goddamn it! Now this is going too far."
"I've gotten nothing from you," I said.
He pressed his lips together, his cheeks turning red. It was one thing to tamper with e-mail; it was another to intercept the secretary's scaled, classified memorandums. Not even Rose opened anything like that.
"Apparently the Governor's Crime Commission's gotten stuck on the notion that we should transfer your office out of Health and into Public Safety," he told me.
"For God's sake, Sinclair," I exclaimed.
"I know, I know." He raised his hand to quiet me.
This same ignorant proposal had come up shortly after I'd been hired. The police and forensic labs were under Public Safety, meaning, among other things, that if my office fell under Public Safety, too, there would be no checks and balances anymore. The police department, in essence, would have a say-so in how I worked my cases.
"I've written position papers on this before," I told Dr. Wagner. "Years ago, I fought it off by preaching to prosecutors and police chiefs. I even went to the defense attorneys' bar. We can't let this happen."
Dr. Wagner said nothing.
"Why now?" I persisted. "Why has this just come up now? The issue's been dormant for more than ten years."
"I think Representative Connors is pushing it because some of the higher-ups in law enforcement are pushing him," he said. "Who the hell knows."
I did, and as I drove toward my office, I got energized. I thrived on unanswered questions, on excavating for what wasn't plain to see, on getting to the truth. What detractors like Chuck Ruffin and Diane Bray had not factored into their machinations was that they'd served to wake me up.
A scenario was materializing in my mind. It was very simple. Someone wanted me shot out of the air so my office would be vulnerable to a takeover by Public Safety. I had heard rumblings that the current secretary, whom I liked very much, was reti 'fit. Wouldn't it be a coincidence if Bray just happened to take his place.
When I reached my office, I smiled at Rose and bid her a cheery good morning.
"Aren't we in a good mood today!" she said, enormously pleased.
"It's your vegetable soup," I commented. "I have it to look forward to. Where's Chuck?" lust his name gave Rose a sour look.
"Off delivering several brains to MCV," she replied.
Now and then when cases were neurologically suspicious and complicated, I would fix the brain in formalin and have it delivered to the neuropathology lab for special studies.
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