Because of The Brave - lanyon Josh - Страница 11
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- 11/35
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“How could you? How could you lie and then make love to me?”
Grief, pain and guilt were written all over China. His face was drawn, the lines around his eyes deeper. For the first time since he'd meet the big man, his shoulders rounded, his height seemingly smaller at this moment.
Carson wanted to hate him—shout at him, lash out—anything that would release the pain waiting to explode from his chest. But he couldn’t do it. China was in as much pain as he was from the look of the man. He wasn't sure if the pain was grief over the memory of losing his brother or fear he was losing the chance at a relationship that had seemed so right for him.
Or both.
Or neither.
Maybe this was what a broken heart broken was like.
“I couldn't tell you. I came here to check on you. Like I promised Jim. You didn't need to know the rest. It wouldn't change what happened to Jim. But last night changed things. “I didn't expect to be so attracted to you. Not just a one night stand attraction but a real one. Like in a lasting relationship. But if that has a chance, you'll need to know the whole truth. I couldn't tell you before. Not sure I can now, but I need to try. Will you listen to me?”
Suddenly, he wanted to hear China explain, wanted a reason not to hate this man, this man he was sure he was falling in love with just a few hours ago. “What's worse than deceiving me?”
“I'm…I….” China stopped to gulp a lung full of air then tried again. It took three tries before he managed to make a few words string together. “I'm the reason your brother is dead.”
The only thing keeping Carson from throwing a punch was the tortured, haunted stare balefully burning him. It spoke volumes of unshared pain and the heavy burden of guilt. It showed how deeply China had cared for Jim as a friend. How deeply he cared for Carson now.
The silence was heavy, pushing down on Carson until he was sure his ears needed to pop. The muffled sounds of the choir practice faded to nothing while the hiss of the burning candles took on epic portions.
Hands and lips numb with an unnatural chill, his heart hammered against his rib cage so hard he was sure it would be bruised. Carson shook his head. His jaw moved but words wouldn't come.
“Our unit was sent out on a mission. Details don't matter. It was an easy designated target. Quick in, quick out. We'd done it a hundred times. Jim and Vincent would team up while Wilson hooked with Bradley. One team would create a distraction. The other would cover my ass while I slipped in and did my thing.”
“What's your 'thing'?” He hated pieces missing from puzzles. As much as he didn't want to know, he needed to know.
Hands spread wide China studied them for several long seconds. He flexed them once and lowered them to his lap. “Let's just say I'm good with my hands.”
“This would be a skill that translates well to the personal security sector.”
“Yeah. Among others.” China slipped his hands into his jacket pockets. “At the last moment, word came in that changed things. Two guys would have to go in. Jim picked himself to go with me. Bradley would take our six. Wilson and
Vincent would create a diversion. There was a second unit as back up if things got heavy.”
“Which they did.”
“Yeah. But not right away. We did what we came in for but it took too long. There was more activity than we expected and we got pinned down. There was unfriendly activity all around us. We knew the guys were coming in for us, but we were out numbered. Jim took a bullet in the chest. I got the ragged one in the shoulder first. We held out as long as we could but it didn't look good. That's when he gave me your photo and asked me to check on you if he didn't make it. He made me promise. I had to talk to you. He didn't care what I said, I just had to promise. And I did. Just before the lights went out. Last thing I saw was Jim's smart-ass grin.”
“When I woke up I was already stateside. We all were. Bradley came to visit. Tried to apologize but Wilson had already told me what really happened.”
“Don't tell me it was friendly fire?”
“No, not exactly. It wasn't Bradley's fault. His back up decided to take their sweet time coming in. Seems one of their men turned out to be the drugged out asshole from the latrine. He knew I was usually first man to go in on this kind of mission.”
China hunched forward, elbows on his knees, his big, capable hands, one fist tucked inside the other like a catcher's mitt, restrained violence in every line of the man's powerful body. “So he moved slow, letting the faggot get caught in the crossfire. Suddenly, I'm a designated target.”
He shook his head, his voice sounding so raw Carson wished he'd stop talking. But China trudged on, pain pushed aside. Carson reminded himself this man was a Ranger, part of his brother's team. Jim always had the best men.
“He didn't know Jim had gone along at the last minute. I don't even know if that would have made a difference to him. I hope it would. But anyway you look
at it, I'm responsible. If it hadn't be me out there it wouldn't have happened. Jim would still be alive.”
It took some time to take it all in. The horror, the pain, imagining what Jim must have been feeling when he knew he wasn't coming back.
How much did getting shot hurt? A lot he'd bet. From the look of the man's scars, China knew all too well. Maybe he'd ask. One day, not now.
Slowly Carson weeded through the dozens of thoughts flashing through his mind like a hyperactive slide show until only one seemed important to him. “Jim wanted you to meet me?”
“Made me swear to God I'd come here. I think he was trying to make sure you had someone to lean on if he was gone. I think he was hoping we'd fit.”
There was something in China's dark eyes that pulled Carson closer, some element of strength and hope that called to him. It wrapped around his insides, comforting and strong, like a hug from a friendly bear.
“At least become friends. Someone you could call when you needed it. He was sorry he hadn't talked to you for so long.”
Three months. That's how long it had been since Carson had actually talked with Jim. But he was often out of contact for long periods. Carson didn't think anything about it. Now he couldn't remember what they had talked about the last time they spoke. Ordinary things he guessed.
And during that time, Jim had made a good friend, a best friend. Bonds made in the service were sometimes stronger than family ties. China wasn't responsible for this. Maybe not even the other guy. These men led dangerous lives. Jim had taught him that survival needed trust. Jim had died doing something he believed in for his country. The fact that China had survived meant that Jim hadn't died alone. He'd had a friend beside him.
The same friend that was beside Carson right now. Jim had trusted this man. Maybe it was time he trusted him, too.
China stood up. Carson automatically rose beside him. Taking the photo from his pocket, China held it out toward Carson, offering it back, but obviously reluctant. “I'd like to keep the photo. It'll be a nice way to member both of you.”
“You don't need it.” Carson took it, holding it carefully, aware this was the last thing Jim had touched of his before he died.
“Oh.” China dropped his hand to side, fingers curled and empty. “I understand.”
Disappointment flashed across his rugged face then it was gone, replaced by a neutral mask that barely hinted at the pain in his eyes. Carson couldn't stand it.
“I don't think you do.” He took slipped his fingers into China's s empty hand and held on tightly. “You don't need it. You'll have plenty of time to take more. Ones with you in them, hopefully. I'm cold. Take me home.”
The shower was precisely what he needed. What both of them needed. Neither was in the mood for more than getting warm and tentatively feeling their way back to each other. Trust had to be rebuilt a little at a time.
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