Figment - Jace Cameron - Страница 53
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"What is it?" I am excited.
Jack pulls out a small book and places it in the table. "The Nonsensical Art of None Fu," he says. "It's a rare copy. Presumably the only one available in the world."
It's not the kind of gift I was expecting, but I take it. I am sure I need to learn this None Fu for future missions.
"I have made up my mind, Alice," he says. "I know what I want to be."
"What?" I am excited to know.
"An actor," he declares. "I feel I have it in me. Those moments in Drury Lane were eye-opening."
"Speaking of then, how did you escape?" I feel the need to ask.
Jack stops his fork midway to his mouth. First, I think he doesn't want to tell me. But then it's apparent he doesn't remember. The Pillar told me that he wouldn't have answers for certain things like that.
"It's okay," I say, and change the subject. He talks about his love for cards for a while. Although not that romantic, I do listen with care. All that I need is knowing he will be there for me for a long time. It's a good feeling, and a good start.
Then he brings something up.
"I just feel so lost sometimes, Alice," he says. "When I am not with you, sometimes people don't notice me. It's like I am invisible or something. Sometimes I don't remember where I live. Sometimes I don't want to do anything at all. If it weren't for you, I don't know what I'd be living for."
It aches me to death when he says "living."
"What else, Jack?" I hold his hands across the table. He has no idea how good this feels to me. I wonder if we're going to kiss tonight. "Is there something you feel you want to tell me, maybe?"
The Pillar said Jack hasn't left to the other side because he needs to tell me something, that there is one last mission he can't leave without accomplishing.
"There is this one thing I wanted to tell you about..." He hesitates.
"I am listening, Jack. We shouldn't keep things from each other."
"Well." He pulls his hand away, and this time I feel lost. "It's nothing." He waves his hand and cleans his lips with the napkin. "I need to go to the bathroom." He stands up and leaves before his spills the reason for his stay. I don't push him. Whatever he needs to tell me before he leaves forever can wait, so he stays as long as he can with me.
I watch him enter the bathroom.
But I am still curious. What did he want to tell me? Is it fair that he isn't crossing to the other side for me? As much as I want him here, how long should he suffer from feeling lost and sometimes invisible?
I wake up from my thoughts to the Pillar sitting next to me.
"Look at all those people enjoying their food." He points at other customers. "If they only know how precious it is. If they only know that there are people who killed to get them that food."
"Why are you here?" I wipe my mouth with the napkin. "Jack will be back any minute, and I don't want to upset him."
"Hey, Rocket Man!" The Pillar waves at Sir Elton John, playing the piano and hiding behind his sunglasses. Sir Elton John greats him back with his chin up. It's as if they have been friends since long ago.
"Why are you here, Pillar?" I insist.
"I just remembered a small detail I left out about Jack, and thought you'd better know it."
"Not now," I say. "I am emotionally confused, and Jack will be back any moment."
"That's why you need to know."
"Is it about what he wanted to tell me?"
"I have no idea what Jack wants to tell you or why he refuses to die," the Pillar says. "I only know this: in spite of your utter need to have him around, something no one can blame you for, since we all need love, it's not good for him as much as it's not good for you."
"How so?"
"Every moment Jack spends here, he is opposing the balance of the universe. People are destined to die, and others are destined to be born every day. We have no idea why, and frankly I don't want to know," he says. "So, every day Jack spends with you, he is upsetting the guys on the other side."
Should this explain Jack's confusion and unhappiness when he is alone? "Define 'upset.'"
"The books, and Fabiola, say that in his case he is decreasing his chances for entering heaven," the Pillar says. "Each day for Jack here, he is living in sin, and could end up in hell—literally—for you."
"You don't strike me as believing in God, Professor Pillar."
"I don't," the Pillar says. "But Jack does."
I look at him, puzzled.
"Everyone has their own belief, Alice," the Pillar says. "You believe you're mad, you're mad. If you believe you can walk on the moon, trust me, one day you will. If you believe you're going to hell in favor of helping the one you love, you'll help the one you love...and you will go to hell."
"I don't believe I can be the reason for Jack's hell."
"The one thing that stands up to the insanity of the world is belief." The Pillar is lecturing, as always. "Scientists will say belief is hocus-pocus, but guess what? The insane world is hocus-pocus too. You only fight hocus with pocus."
"But—" No words will express how I feel. I need Jack, but I can't be selfish and do this to him. I am confused and heartbroken, without someone breaking my heart. I don't know what to do. "But what can I do?"
"The only way for Jack to die, against his stubborn wish to stay and be your guardian angel, is if you tell him to his face."
"Tell him that he is dead?"
The Pillar nods and takes a sip of the mock turtle soup. "Delicious turtle," he remarks, enjoying the taste, although I know there are no turtles in this soup. "Very delicious for a creature that slow." He wipes his mouth with my napkin and then checks his watch. Finally, he whispers in my ears, "Let Jack go, Alice." He whispers. "Tell him he is dead and let him go. You killed him once. Killing him again shouldn't be a problem."
The Pillar stands up and leaves. I don't see him do that, but I feel his weight lift off the bank I am sitting on. My eyes are fixed on the bathroom's entrance.
Jack hasn't returned, so I occupy myself with checking his None Fu book. I notice it’s a used copy, borrowed from the Radcliffe Science Library, which is in Oxford University. I open the book and am startled by what I see on the first page. Someone wrote a dedication to me. It says:
Alice,
I found the book you were looking for.
The handwriting is bad and the ink is thin and fading. I don't fully comprehend this, but then I look at the stamp from the library. It indicates the book was borrowed about two years ago, some time before I was admitted to the Radcliffe Lunatic Asylum. I wonder if Jack knew this about the book he gave me.
I turn the page, only to find more writing on the margins. This part is written in pencil.
Something tells me I shouldn’t read it, or at least wait a while.
I raise my head, and I see Jack coming out of the bathroom. He looks like a shining star. The smile on his face could revive me if I were dead. The grace of his walk could save me if I am crippled. His name on my lips could be my prayer against the madness of the world. He just looks so suitable for me, as if we were star crossed. I can’t believe I am asked to let him go.
Jack is approaching me as I sit looking at him with starry eyes filled with moisture. I have no idea what I will do. Will I tell him the truth and lose him, or selfishly lie to him and have him nearby.
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