Into the Deep - Young Samantha - Страница 46
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My mom looked horrified. “That’s … nice?”
Claudia rolled her eyes. “It’s whatever …but …” She grinned at me. “I was thinking we’ve got four days before classes begin when we get back to Edinburgh. Why don’t we all take a trip to the Highlands? I mean, we’re in Scotland and we’ve barely stepped outside Edinburgh.”
“All of us?”
I still hadn’t answered Jake’s attempts to contact me. Although I was dying to know why he broke it off with Melissa on the first day of Christmas vacation, I was also terrified to discover what he wanted from me. Confused as I was, I wasn’t sure I could handle it if he still wanted to be “just friends.” And yet I knew I wasn’t sure I could handle being anything more. The original reason for me backing off was apparently no longer an issue, but still … I was afraid to be around Jake. Me. Afraid? How crap was that?
Thus, I didn’t really want to be stuck on a minivacation with him.
Claudia nodded and hurried over to where she’d dumped her laptop. “Like a cabin or a lodge somewhere.”
Beck nodded. “I’m sure Lowe and the guys will be up for it.”
“I was thinking us, Lowe, Matt, Denver, Rowena, and Jake. I’d invite Maggie, Lauren, and Gemma, but I really don’t think we hang out enough for that not to be awkward. Plus, Maggie has a whopping big crush on Beck. It’s a little irritating to be around.”
“For who?” Beck smirked and relaxed into my dad’s armchair. “Definitely not me.”
The two of them bantered back and forth but I was too busy trying to control my racing heartbeat and the cold sweat prickling over my skin.
Okay, so I hadn’t exactly told Claudia of my plans to avoid Jake. He’d texted a couple of times since her arrival and he’d called when I didn’t reply to the texts. Claudia had been baking with my mom so she didn’t know about those, but she knew I’d been avoiding contact with him. Gauging me well on the subject, and still in turmoil over her own actual drama, she hadn’t badgered me about it.
Two hours later Claudia had found a lodge in a place called Fort William, a town on a loch about a five-hour train journey from Edinburgh. The lodge accommodated ten people and was in a place that did look beautiful and not too isolated, but I couldn’t really appreciate the beauty of it. I was too busy trying to work out ways to get out of it, even though I knew in the end, I’d go along since the whole idea had put a spark back in Claudia’s eyes.
“I’ll call the guys,” Beck said, ducking out of the room.
“You’ll all be careful outside of the city?” my mom asked, worry creasing her forehead.
Claudia nodded. “Of course, Delia Mom. We can get a train from Edinburgh straight there and we’ll get a taxi to the lodge. And we’ve got all the guys with us. We’ll be fine.”
Oh, yeah. We’d be freaking awesome.
I pretended to bury my nose in the site images so I didn’t have to fake a smile both Claud and my mom would see right through.
Five minutes later Beck walked back into the room smiling. “Most of the guys are up for it. Denver is emailing Rowena to see if she wants to come with us but Jake said he’s not sure.”
Yes! There is a God!
Trying to hide my grin, and suddenly feeling very excited about our trip north, I shrugged casually. “That’s cool. We’ll still have fun without him.”
I deliberately ignored Beck’s burning gaze, sensing he was desperate to ask what my problem was. Thankfully Mom was there, so he didn’t get his chance.
Beck returned home that night and Claudia successfully avoided talking about his sudden white-knight appearance for about two days, just as I successfully avoided talking about Jake.
We were lounging around the sitting room watching a Disney Pixar movie when my cell rang. It was on the floor near Claud and she lifted it absentmindedly to me. “It’s Jake.”
Feeling that unwelcome churn in my gut, I took it from her and hit the disconnect button.
Claudia glanced up at me over her shoulder. “You didn’t answer? Again?”
I pinched my lips together and threw the phone beside me on the couch.
In response, she paused the movie and turned around. “You’re ignoring him? Since when?”
“Since I got home. I didn’t want to say anything because you’re going through something serious. My drama with Jake and Melissa doesn’t even matter.”
“Of course it matters,” she scowled at me. “And remember … there is no longer a Jake and Melissa and I think we can all guess why. Don’t you want to find out for sure?”
“I’m not ready to. I can’t be his friend and I’m not sure I can be anything else. So … for now, I’m happy with avoidance,” I replied softly.
Claudia’s eyes melted with concern. “You’re a mess.”
I nodded. “Yeah.”
“So … you’re just ignoring him? You’re not even going to talk to him about it?”
I shook my head. “What’s the point? I don’t want to have this big heart-to-heart with him. Look, I know I miss him, I know I still want him, I know that he can make me feel on top of the world and seconds later like shit. But I also know I don’t trust him with my feelings. You’re right. It’s a mess.” I closed my eyes. “Honestly, I think the best thing to do is walk away. Move on. A clean break.” I shrugged. “And you know it might sound petty, but he left me last time with a crappy explanation and no closure. I don’t owe him a chat. I don’t owe him anything.”
The expression in Claudia’s eyes suggested she disagreed but she kept her mouth shut and just nodded.
“What about you and Beck?” I arched an eyebrow, trying to turn the spotlight off me. “He rushed all the way to Indiana to make sure you were okay. He took you for a walk and when you came back, you seemed better. A lot better. Not even I lifted your spirits the way he did.”
As soon as her eyes dimmed, I kicked myself for bringing it up. “I’m just as confused as you are. We walked and he … he just gets it, you know. His mom or whatever. My parents are never going to give me what I need emotionally, but Beck suggested I needed to tell them how much they hurt me, even if it didn’t penetrate. He said I needed that closure. And he was right. They didn’t say they were sorry or that they loved me, but they came as close to an apology as I’ll ever get out of them—upping my credit card limit and sending me on vacation.”
“Beck really cares about you.”
“I know,” she nodded, her eyebrows drawn together. “As much as he can care about me. I’ve accepted that. It took me a while, believe me. I kept fantasizing about it changing because of our attraction, but Beck is too messed up emotionally to go there. Maybe in ten years when he’s grown up a bit, but not now. You know, though, I’d rather have him as a friend than not have him at all.”
“Claud, what’s happening between me and Jake isn’t the same. He’s my first love and all that stuff is mixed together with a pretty ugly history. There’s too much regret and hurt.”
“I’m sorry, Charley,” she whispered. “I’m sorry you can’t see what the rest of us see.”
“And what’s that?”
“That no matter what happened in the past … you guys are still meant to be together.”
“Don’t—”
“We all see it,” she cut me off. “When you guys are together, it’s like the whole world goes away. And … Beck knows Jake better than anyone. He says he’s never seen him as happy as he’s been these last few months.”
I felt that pressure on my chest again and breathed hard through it. “Claudia, I know you think you’re helping but you’re not. Please … stop. Okay?”
“Okay, okay. I’ll shut up.” She sighed and turned around. “I just don’t think you should give up on him just yet.”
Saying goodbye to my parents for another four months didn’t feel great, but I managed to hold in the tears. Claudia, on the other hand, was a mess. Mom and Dad had done such a good job of trying to make up for her parents’ lack of affection that Claudia had bubbled and clung to Mom for a good five minutes at the airport, before I managed to pry her off.
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