This Man Confessed - Malpas Jodi Ellen - Страница 21
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‘You shouldn’t, especially when there’s one who obviously thinks the world of you.’
She looks at me curiously. ‘Sam?’
I almost slap her for her blindness. ‘Yes, Sam.’
‘Ava,’ she laughs. ‘Sam doesn’t think the world of me. I make the world move for him, that’s all—in the bedroom.’
‘You mean you connect so well?’ I raise my eyebrows at her. ‘Except with Sam, you also get the mental connection.’
She scowls at me. She knows I’m right. ‘It was just fun.’
It’s me who flops back on the couch in irritation this time. ‘You’re unbelievable.’
‘No, I’m a realist.’ she argues. ‘It was sex.’
‘So why the hell were you blubbering like a baby?’
‘I don’t know.’ She stands up, ‘I feel like shit. It gets the emotions going. You want tea?’
‘Yes,’ I huff, standing to join her before following her out to the kitchen.
She reaches up to the cupboard and grabs a couple of mugs. ‘Why are you here, anyway?’
The question makes me falter mid-lowering of my butt to the chair. Should I tell her? I’ve walked out on my husband less than twenty four hours after we said our vows. A brush off here is not going to suffice, although given how she manages to shirk my questioning so well, I shouldn’t be too bothered about offending her. But I am in need of some help. She openly admits to her fondness of Jesse. This could change her opinion dramatically, and even though I’m seething with him, I hate divulging any information that’ll have my loved ones questioning him. And questioning me, for that matter. Questioning my sanity.
I decide that I do need my best friend on this. I bite the bullet. ‘You know my pills that mysteriously kept disappearing?’
She turns and frowns before stuffing a teabag in each of the mugs. ‘Yes, you and your ridiculously unorganised life.’
‘Hmm, that’s what I thought.’ I stare at her back, waiting for her to click, but she’s happily topping up the mugs with water, and then milk. ‘At first, anyway.’
She stirs the tea and brings it over to the table, plonking herself down into one of the mismatching chairs. ‘At first?’ Her confused face tells me that she really isn’t copping on. Maybe it’s the hangover.
‘Jesse has been taking them.’ I blurt it out quickly, before I can change my mind and withhold the information.
Now her confused face is frowning heavily over the rim of her mug. ‘He what?’
‘He’s been taking my pills. He wants me pregnant.’
Eyes wide and with a slightly gaped jaw, she puts her mug down very carefully. ‘He told you that?’
‘Yes,’ I breathe. ‘Although I kind of already knew.’
‘You knew he was taking them? When you replaced them that time and lost them again?’
‘I was distracted.’
‘Why the hell would he do that? And didn’t you use any protection?’
‘No, not always.’ I mutter indignantly, bracing myself for a lecture on carelessness. I was pretty careless, but I’m now blaming Jesse for the whole diabolical situation, not for just lifting my pills. Yes, I should’ve made him wear protection every time, but I forgot. Lame excuse, but I did, and that is because my crazy man distracts me far too well.
Kate still looks shocked. I’m not surprised, it’s shocking. ‘So if you knew all along, then why didn’t you take him to task on it?’
‘He would never have admitted it, Kate. He’s a madcap.’ I claim, thinking it’s probably me who’s the insane one—insane for being so damn stupid.
‘But only with you.’ Kate says.
‘Yes, only with me.’ I take a sip of my tea. She’s watching me, but not expressing her thoughts. She must have some.
‘Why would you ignore it?’ she asks.
I was dreading that question, but completely expecting it, and I’m wondering the same thing myself. ‘I have no idea.’ I feel so frustrated. I have no decent excuse.
Kate shakes her head, making me feel smaller. ‘I don’t understand you, and I certainly don’t understand him.’
‘He was as scared I’d run away.’ I mumble quietly. What’s my excuse for being so dim?
‘You’ve married him!’ She laughs. ‘Fuck me, Ava. What is wrong with that man? Hey, I know he’s a bit crazy but –’
‘A bit?’ I scoff.
‘Yeah, okay, understatement of the fucking century, but his way with you has always been so endearing to me. How much he loves you, frets, and protects you. We all know his behaviour is way past unreasonable, but it’s common knowledge that he’s never cared before. But stealing your pills? I didn’t think that man could shock me, but he’s outdone himself this time.’
‘He has,’ I muse, swirling my tea in slow, careful circling motions.
‘So if you knew, and he knew you knew, then why the big bust up now?’
‘He may have succeeded in his attempts.’
Kate chokes on her tea. ‘You’re pregnant?’ she coughs.
The words spike the dormant lump in my throat to swell, and before I can even think about controlling them, tears start streaming down my cheeks. I drop my tea to the table and cover my face with my palms… and I sob.
‘Oh, fuck! Oh shit!’ Kate’s chair scrapes across the kitchen floor and the next thing I know, she’s standing behind me with her arms wrapped around my shoulders. She actually hushes me quietly in my ear, like I’m a child who’s just fell and grazed their knee. I feel so stupid all of a sudden. Really, really stupid. Stupid for ignoring my suspicions for so long, stupid for not allowing the pieces to click sooner, and stupid for letting Jesse distract me from the enormity of his actions.
‘My period is due tomorrow. I know it’s not coming, and so does Jesse.’ I sniffle and Kate leaves me, hurrying over to a unit of drawers. ‘I’ve been ignoring it, which has frustrated Jesse, but I’m not ready for this, Kate, and now I just feel furious with myself and even more incensed with him. I let things pass sometimes, but this is taking control to a whole new level. I can’t let him do this.’
She hands me a tissue, and I set about wiping my nose as she takes a seat next to me. ‘I completely agree.’ she says. I can’t believe how relieved I am to hear her say that. I know she’s very fond of Jesse, and generally nothing fazes her, not even my husband in all of his challenging ways, but this has shocked her, and I’m so glad. ‘What are you going to do?’ she asks, ‘Make him sweat?’
‘Have an abortion.’
Kate’s mouth hits the table. It doesn’t help.
‘Kate, can you imagine what he’ll be like? He already smothers me, and I like it to a certain extent, but being pregnant?’
She scoops her chin up. ‘Oh God, Ava. You’ll send him to the loony bin.’
‘That’s not a good enough reason.’ I reply quietly. I know what this will do to him, but he hasn’t considered what any of his actions will do to me. I’m not ready for this, and he hasn’t stopped once to consider how I might feel. ‘It’s not just that, though. I have a career. I’m twenty six years old. I don’t want a baby, Kate.’
‘I don’t even know what to say.’
‘Just say I’m doing the right thing.’
She shakes her head a little. I need her to understand. ‘Okay.’ she says reluctantly. She doesn’t think it’s okay at all, but her willingness to halt any guilt trip is enough for me. I feel guilty enough already, although I shouldn’t. I need to regain control, and I can’t see any other way of doing it. I can’t have a baby.
‘Thank you.’ I whisper, picking up my tea and taking a shaky sip.
Chapter 8
It’s Monday. I wake at the crack of dawn and cry silently to myself. I’m only delaying the inevitable. I need to see Doctor Monroe.
I exit Green Park tube station onto Piccadilly and stop for a few moments, absorbing the frantic rush hour blur of people. I miss this. I miss the chaos of the tube and walking the few blocks to my office—all of the hectic scrambling, the dodging of bodies and the loud voices, mostly shouting down a mobile phone. That, coupled with the screeching of cars and buses, the honking of impatient horns and the ringing of cyclist bells, all strangely bring a small smile to my face, until I get nudged in the back, and then ridiculed for keeping the frantic stream of pedestrian traffic from flowing. I snap out of my daydream and shift my feet into gear, heading for Berkeley Square.
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