Shadow - Dohner Laurann - Страница 22
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He glanced down at her chest and then looked away. “No.”
The sick feeling grew worse. “You’re going to have someone else stay with me?” She wanted him, not a different man living with her.
He shook his head. “I’ll sleep on your floor in here. That way you won’t be tempted to take any more strolls alone since you’ll have to step over me to do it. You aren’t to leave my view unless you’re showering.”
His words sank in and she was torn between hurt and anger. He hadn’t offered to share her bed but preferred the floor. That rejection deeply wounded her. The part where he thought she might make the same mistake twice was insulting to her intelligence. She wasn’t a total idiot.
She walked to the window to stare out but only saw her own reflection since the light in the room made it impossible to see anything else. Her hair fell in a wet mass over both shoulders. No wonder he didn’t want to sleep with her. She looked like a drowned rat. Worse, she felt like a mouse. A frightened, timid one.
“Those are the new rules.”
“Are they?” Her anger built. She was tired of being told what to do and what not to do. She was free and wanted the right to do as she pleased, the way all the other Species did. She faced him. “So you’ve spoken? It’s final? No discussion between us first?”
His eyes narrowed. “What does that mean?”
“I said I was sorry. Neither of us knew there were dangerous animals out there. I went outside to get some fresh air but then wanted to see the river. I know you peed on the trees to mark the area to keep other men away. I’m Gift so none of them approach me anyway. I’m a leper in our society or may as well be.”
“A what?”
“Don’t you read? I do. It’s someone with a contagious skin disease. It’s called leprosy. That’s how I’m treated. It’s as if I have it and someone might catch it from me if they come too close.”
“Males avoid you out of respect and concern for your well-being.”
She was fed up with hearing that. Everyone was trying to be so protective that they may as well wrap her in bubble wrap and lock her inside a room. It wasn’t fair and it wasn’t right. She wasn’t Tiny or Halfpint and she was tired of being lumped in with them.
“That’s a crock of shit.”
His eyebrows shot up.
“That means bullshit. No one asked me if I wanted to be labeled with that title or treated the way I have been. I just wanted a normal life. I’m entitled to the same things as any Species.”
“You’ve been abused.”
Is he kidding? Her anger boiled. “So have you.”
He paled slightly. “It’s not the same. The things done to me didn’t break my spirit.”
“I’m not broken either.” He was really pissing her off. “Do you think I haven’t heard the stories from some of our people? I have. Some of the women were raped by guards while they were at Mercile. Their size and strength saved them sometimes but not always. Only one man hurt me and I know it could have been a lot worse.”
“I don’t see how.”
“I could tell you. Halfpint and Tiny never want to be touched, ever again. They are broken inside to the point that men terrify them. They want to be protected and kept away from everyone who has a dick. I can’t even imagine some of the horrible things they’ve survived. It wasn’t a picnic for me but Master wasn’t some deviant sex freak.”
“He wasn’t your master.” Shadow snarled. “Don’t ever call him that again.”
“It’s the only name I have to call him. I could call him dickhead or asshole but you get the point. He was an old man and I probably could have fought him off but I knew how much worse things could be if I did.”
He frowned. “Explain.”
“The guards, Shadow. He was the only thing keeping them from raping me. He paid them to watch me and keep their hands to themselves. Not that they kept their mouths shut. I never had a doubt what they wanted to do to me because they were often vocal about it. They tried to bribe me into allowing them to do sick things to me for more food and a promise I wouldn’t tell on them. I’ve been really hungry in my life but never that much. I had words to use as a weapon. That’s all I ever dared have.”
“Words?”
“As in threatening to tell on them if they touched me.”
“He touched you.”
“Yes, he did. It wasn’t nice either. I was an object to him instead of a person. I knew it. I felt it. I was something he owned. He’d have me dress in pretty outfits so he could admire how I looked as though I were one of those paintings he had upstairs. I’ve got emotional scars, sure, but I felt lucky after I spent time with the other Gift Females and heard their horrible stories. And, besides, I grew up there. I didn’t know people lived any other way. It was traumatic and scary but that was normal to me. I didn’t know anything else existed.”
He gaped at her.
“Do you know what Halfpint suffered? The man who owned her showed off his half-animal woman and would let them touch her.” Tears filled her eyes just thinking about what a hellish nightmare her friend had suffered. “He’d sit in a chair and watch them do whatever they wanted. There was only one rule. They couldn’t bruise or scar her. He liked her looking good.”
Shadow snarled.
“Tiny was given to a guy who was into stuff that makes me sick to my stomach. She’ll never allow a man to touch her again. She’d rather die. I don’t even want to repeat the things she spoke of. It made me feel guilty for feeling sorry for myself. The one who had me only forced me accept him into my body. It hurt and was emotionless but he didn’t beat or humiliate me by doing it in front of others. He didn’t make me say I loved the things he did to my body. I was never bound while he forced me to take him into my mouth or…” She grew quiet, trying to rein her raging emotions.
Shadow stared at the floor, his hands fisted at his sides. She calmed.
“I refuse to allow my past to ruin my future. I’m not physically as strong as the other women but I’m not broken inside either. I’m healing. I refuse to do anything less. The more I learn, the more I’m grateful for. Do you understand?”
He looked up. “Yes.”
“I feel shame sometimes for not fighting.” It was her turn to stare at the floor. “I did everything he asked because I was too afraid he’d stop protecting me from the guards. I was terrified that he’d die when he got sick and there would be no stopping them.”
Silence stretched between them.
“We should get some sleep.” Shadow walked to the doorway. “I’m going to get my pillow to sleep on the floor here in the hallway.”
“I thought you were sleeping in my room.”
He paused, his back to her. “The hallway is better. It puts me farther from you.”
Ouch. “Would you do that if I were Rusty or Kit? Sleep on the floor? I have learned to never leave the cabin without you. I’m aware of all the dangers now. You don’t need to babysit me as if I were a child. I’m not.”
His gaze dropped to her breasts. “I’m more than aware.”
Her heart rate increased. She didn’t need to ask him what he meant by that. His attention to her chest made his meaning clear. He presented her with his back but didn’t leave.
“You can sleep in your room instead of on the floor. I give my word, I will never do anything like that again. I will ask you to take me to the river next time.”
“Why would you even do it?” He glanced back.
“Go to the river? I walked outside to get air and heard it. I was curious. I thought you were sleeping and didn’t believe it was a big deal. I could make out shapes well enough to believe I could reach it without falling into a hole or into the water.”
He combed his fingers through his hair, breaking eye contact. “Fine. I will accept your promise.”
“Thank you.”
He hesitated. “No, I wouldn’t offer to sleep on the floor for the other Species females. You’re not them though.”
“I’m less, right? Weak? Perhaps useless?” Kit had told her that the men saw Gift Females that way. “Look at me.”
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