Flat-Out Love - Park Jessica - Страница 53
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“I am much better now.” Her voice was surprisingly calm. “Julie, you have nothing to be sorry for. I do. I need to apologize to you.”
“What? What could you possibly have to apologize for?”
“I let you down. You must be horribly disappointed in me.”
“Never. You could never disappoint me. You were so brave. Braver than I am. I just pushed too hard.”
“No, you did not.” Celeste pulled her blanket up. “You didn’t. I wanted to go.”
“I know you did. But I made a mistake. It wasn’t the right time. Too many hinges too soon.”
Celeste yawned and looked at Flat Finn. “No. The hinges are debonair, but folded-up, hidden Finn is not always the same. Especially at night. The night appears to be the hardest for me without him. For now. He makes me feel better, Julie. I understand that his sort is not for everybody, but I find him comforting.”
Julie nodded. “I know. I find his sort comforting, too, if you can believe it.”
“I do. Now, I must get some sleep. Please tell Matty that I really am less convoluted. I am significantly calmer.”
“I will.” Julie leaned in and hugged Celeste tightly. “I’ll see you in the morning.” She let herself out, blowing kisses from the doorway, as though she were tucking in a small child.
Matt was leaning against the wall in the hallway, his expression icy and distant. “Stay away from me. I can’t deal with you right now.”
“Matt…” Julie pleaded.
“I swear to God, don’t talk to me now. Don’t.”
“I’m so sorry. You have no idea.”
“I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to hear anything from you.”
“Matt, you know I love Celeste, and I would never have done anything to hurt her.”
“Well, you did.”
“If you would just let me explain again why—”
“You don’t stop, do you? You want to get into this? Fine. Let’s get into it. You thought you could just show up here and insinuate yourself into our lives? You can’t. And you also can’t act like I’m the bad guy. Like everything I do for her is somehow totally brainless.” He moved so that he was facing her, placing his body inches from hers. “I’ve busted my ass to keep Celeste in a stable place, and you just ruined it. You ruined her. God, Julie. You’re here for a few months, and you think that you know what is right for Celeste? Nobody asked you to fix anything. You can’t.” He ran his hands through his hair as he continued to unleash on her. “You can’t change this. And your constant reminders that you think we’re all completely crazy are not helpful. Do you get that? What is wrong with you? Don’t you have your own life to attend to? Or is this how you make yourself feel better about your crappy father, huh? You excuse the way he treats you for no good reason, and you love him based on nothing more than a few lousy emails a year.”
His words cut deeply. “That’s not fair.” Julie felt herself breathing hard as she tried to deal with his anger. His disgust.
“It is fair. And Celeste is not your job. We’re not your job. We’re not your family.”
“I know that. I never… I never said you were.” Julie knew her lip was trembling, but she was not going to cry in front of Matt again.
“And you know what the most unbelievable part of this is? I listened to you! I knew better, and yet I let you barrel ahead and do what you wanted anyway. I’m the one to blame for what happened tonight.”
Julie shook her head. “No, Matt. I know I did this. I’m sorry. Please know that. I couldn’t possibly feel worse. But don’t you see that Celeste can’t spend the rest of her life avoiding the real world? And neither can you.”
“Why not, huh?” He was still shouting, and Julie winced with each word. “The real world sucks for her.”
“What about for you?”
“Sometimes, yes.”
“So when are you going to start living, Matt?” Now she was the one screaming. “You’re taking the easy way out. You use Celeste as an excuse to do nothing except drown in theories and calculations. You bury yourself online and—”
“You’re one to talk about burying oneself online.” His laugh had a nasty, horrible tone. “I’m taking the easy way out? I’m not fawning over someone I’ve never met, someone who isn’t even here. You’re the one playing it safe because you’re too afraid of something real.”
“Don’t go there,” Julie said sharply.
“Now who’s the one with boundaries, huh?” He started walking back and forth. “When it comes to Celeste, you don’t even know what you’re dealing with, so stay out of it.”
“No, I don’t know what I’m dealing with. I don’t understand anything, because none of you will tell me! Why are your parents never here?” she exploded. “Why does she have Flat Finn? Why won’t you tell me?”
“I can’t, Julie! I just can’t! It’s none of your business. How many times do you have to hear it?”
She looked helplessly at Matt. She’d never seen him like this. “OK. OK. I’m done.” She held her hands up. “I’m out of it. I just… I just wanted to help. I shouldn’t have.” She was quieter now, giving in. “You’re right. You handle this however you want.”
“Obviously, Julie, you don’t like the way I do things, and you don’t like me the way I am. Fine. I could care less. But stop trying to change me. You don’t get to pick which parts of me you find acceptable to your standards and throw away what you don’t. I’ll never be what you want. You don’t like me? Then stay out of my life.”
She was so confused. This conversation was all over the place, and she didn’t even know what was happening. “How could you say that? I do like you, Matt.”
He turned away and walked toward his room. “I’m exhausted. You’re exhausting me.”
“Matt, please—”
“Go to hell, Julie.”
Frozen, Julie could not move from her spot in the hall. She could barely breathe. What had happened? How could Matt have said all those things?
Maybe she had been pushy and nosy and should have left things alone. Just because she was staying in their house didn’t mean she had the right to needle into their affairs. Truly, her intention had never been to be intrusive or disrespectful. But she obviously had. Her professor had pointed this out to her, too. Why do you have to be the fixer?
She didn’t. She shouldn’t. She was just a guest here. A boarder, a babysitter, a driver.
Eventually she found herself in her room, lying on top of the blankets, unable to sleep. Finn’s room felt different now, empty and lonely. Her emotions were on overload, and the sounds of Celeste’s cries and Matt’s awful words echoed in her head.
He could be right about her father. It was true that she had given him far too many chances, only for him to prove over and over again that he was a dreadful parent. He had never given her any real reason to love him. But she had.
It was different with Finn, though. Matt was wrong about him. He did care about her.
She checked the clock. It was almost four in the morning. The night had been so peaceful until that phone call. Now everything was in shambles.
After another forty-five minutes of anxiety-ridden attempts to sleep, she gave up. She checked her computer, and there were no messages from Finn. Of all the times for him to disappear. Her heart ached. She missed him and needed him now. Summer couldn’t come fast enough. Finn would be here, and he’d stay here. And Celeste would be better. Maybe not completely, but she would be better.
Roaming the room and staring out the window at the night sky got her nowhere. She couldn’t tolerate this. She hated fighting. It made clear thought impossible for her. Everything was in chaos.
Julie left her room and went into the dark hallway. She hesitated for a moment before she knocked lightly. There was no response. She couldn’t stop herself and opened the door anyway. “Matt?”
Julie walked softly across the floor and sat down on the edge of his bed. “Matty,” she said.
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