Airhead - Cabot Meg - Страница 50
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‘Well,’ Lulu went on, ‘it turns out, even though my mom was wrong about a lot of things — like giving me snowboarding lessons for Christmas when I turned twelve, only to go and run off with my instructor — she wasn’t wrong about that. Every heterosexual guy I’ve ever met — and a few gay ones — has fallen in love with me. At least a little bit. Oh, not like they all want to marry me or anything… sometimes, like in the case of my snowboard instructor, it turns out they’ve wanted to marry her. But they’ve all thought about it. And it’s true they don’t always stay in love with me, the way they ought to — but that’s usually because the love they feel for me frightens them so much, because I’m just so incredible, they feel inadequate and end up running away… like Justin.’
I just stared at her. Seeing this, Lulu said, ‘I’m serious. Wait and see. When the delivery guy comes with the banana splits? Just watch when I go to pay him. He’ll probably ask me out.’
Not sure how else to respond, I said carefully, not wanting to hurt her feelings, ‘Well, Lulu… thanks. I mean, for the warning? But, while I’m certain it’s true that every straight guy you meet falls in love with you, with me that’s not really been the case. At least, in my past life. The thing is, in the real world, most girls don’t have to go around worrying about every guy they meet feeling in love with them. I could see how now that I’m Nikki, I’ll have to worry, but—’
Lulu sucked in her breath, looking outraged.
‘Oh yes they do!’ she cried. ‘If girls aren’t worried about this, they’re just kidding themselves! And playing with fire. This is true of all girls. Right, Katerina?’
Katerina nodded as she was folding up her massage table. ‘Oh, yah,’ she said, sounding tired. ‘You should meet some of my ex-husbands.’
‘See?’ Lulu said fiercely. ‘It doesn’t matter how old you are or how you look — no offence, Katerina. Whether you’re pretty or plain, or skinny or round. Guys can’t help it. If you’re a girl, it’s just the way it is. Guys may not want to admit that they like you. They may act like total butt-holes instead of admitting it —’ this made me think, inexplicably, of Jason Klein — ‘but everything my mother said is totally true and applies to all girls. And it’s a lot of responsibility for us. I mean, we have to be so, so careful all the time not to break men’s hearts. Men’s hearts are very fragile. Our hearts aren’t nearly as delicate. Are they, Katerina?’
‘Nein,’ Katerina said, banging the massage table closed. Hard.
‘Now, I don’t know what’s going on with your little Christopher friend,’ Lulu said. ‘But I’m guessing maybe he’s just pushed his love for you way, way down because he’s so frightened of it… that happens a lot. Can you think of a reason why he might have done that?’
I looked at Cosabella, who’d curled up in my lap and was contentedly sleeping. I really had no idea how I’d even ended up taking part in this lunatic conversation.
But there was something about Lulu — something so vulnerable and sweet — that made me want her theory to be true. It was certainly a very nice theory, and one that would boost the self-esteem of any girl whose mother sat her down and told it to her. Who knew? Maybe it was true. Lulu certainly seemed to believe it.
And I had no doubt that every guy she met did fall in love with her, at least a little.
I believed it was probably a little true for Nikki Howard too… except where Brandon Stark’s dad was concerned.
But then there was what had happened that afternoon with Christopher. How could I even begin to explain how weird that had been?
‘I don’t know,’ I said slowly. ‘My sister said something about Christopher maybe having been in love with, um, Em Watts. You know, the girl who died at the Stark Megastore grand opening? Only him not having realized it until it was too late and she was… dead. I don’t know if this is true. She was probably wrong. But they were best friends before she died. And, you know, he was there when she was killed. And my sister thinks maybe now his heart is broken.’
There was a pause as this soaked in. Then Lulu flattened a hand against her chest and looked at me with her huge Bambi eyes, suddenly full of tears.
‘That,’ she said, ‘is the most romantic thing I have ever heard.’ She looked over at the housekeeper. ‘Katerina. Isn’t that the most romantic thing you’ve ever heard?’
Katerina had her massage things packed up by then and was now cleaning out the refrigerator, throwing out expired containers of yogurt. ‘Yah,’ she called over her shoulder.
Lulu turned back to me. ‘Listen,’ she said, reaching out and taking my hand, ‘all is not lost. The important thing you’ve got to do now is make a connection with him. Show him that you understand what he’s lost. That you feel his loss.’
I shook my head. ‘But Lulu… how can I do that? I’m a stranger to him. Worse… I’m a supermodel, who represents Stark Enterprises, the company that pretty much is responsible for killing his best friend — and represents everything else evil in the world. I’m everything that Christopher hates. How can I make a connection with him when I’m someone he can’t stand? I’m telling you, it’s totally hopeless.’
‘Nothing is hopeless where true love is concerned,’ Lulu said, giving my hand a squeeze. ‘Haven’t you heard a word I’ve said? You’ve just got to give him time. He’s experienced a terrible loss. His heart has been torn in two. It’s going to take love and patience to being him back amongst the living… just like it took love and patience to bring you back to me… even if you are a little strange now. Strange,’ Lulu added hastily, ‘but much nicer than you used to be.’
I sighed. ‘I don’t know, Lulu. I want to think you’re right, but… maybe, if your theory is right, and with great power comes great responsibility, the kinder thing to do would be to just leave him alone.’
Lulu looked searchingly into my eyes. ‘What does your heart say, Nikki?’
I felt tears fill my eyes. Because I couldn’t help remembering what Mr Phillips had said that day in Dr Holcombe’s office — What is the locus of our identities… our souls, as it were?Is it the brain? Or is it the heart?Nikki Howard’s brain, it’s true, is no longer functioning. Her heart, on the other hand, continues to beat.
I remembered now how I’d lain my hand over Nikki Howard’s heart and felt it beating. It had felt so foreign to me. I’d wondered then if it would ever feel like my own heart.
But it felt like my own heart now. It felt like my own heart now because nothing but my own heart could hurt so much. It felt like my own heart because the truth was?
It was breaking.
‘My heart says that I love Christopher,’ I said miserably. ‘But it’s so hopeless, Lulu. The chances of my ever getting him even to be friends with me are nil… let alone the chances of us ever being anything else.’
The intercom buzzed, causing us both to jump.
‘I will get,’ Katerina said, and she shuffled off to do so.
‘Listen,’ Lulu said, giving my hand another squeeze. ‘If the delivery guy asks me out, will you believe me that you have a chance with Christopher?’
I slipped my hand out from hers in order to wipe away my tears.
‘Lulu. You’re in a fluffy robe and slippers. The delivery guy isn’t going to—’
‘The delivery guy is going to ask me out,’ Lulu said. ‘I told you, we women have an awesome power that we have to wield with responsibility. So this isn’t fair of me, because I’m not even interested in dating anyone right now, since I just broke up with Justin, and I need to go see my astrologist to find out which sign I should concentrate on trying to date next. But I will do it, to prove a point to you. Then will you believe me?’
‘Fine,’ I said with a shaky laugh. ‘Go for it.’
The elevator doors opened, and the unsuspecting delivery guy stepped out, holding a plastic bag.
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